孤独感っていったい何でしょうね。
ひとりでご飯を食べる人は孤独でしょうか、ひとりでカラオケに行く人は孤独でしょうか、ひとりで何でもできてしまう人は、果たして孤独なのでしょうか。
認めてしまうと、私は本来そういった一般的な孤独感を感じにくいようです。ひとりで行動することに抵抗がないどころか、全力で楽しめるタイプです。
女ひとりで世界を放浪しました、しかも計4年以上も。
世界一周中には、できれば仲間を募りたかったけれどタイミングが合わず、ひとりでガイドを雇いネパールのアンナプルナ山脈をトレッキングしました、グレートバリアリーフでは家族や恋人だらけのスノーケリングツアーにも参加しました、大皿でサーヴされるような中華レストランにだってひとりで…。笑。
またひとりで温泉旅行にもお伊勢さんにも行きます、ひとりの食事は日常茶飯事です。
これ、人によっては「miaって友達いないのか、孤独だな」という風に映るのでしょうか。
本来風来坊みたいな私にとっては強がりでなく、こういった単独行動は呼吸をするくらいに自然なことです。
ひとりで行動できる方が優れている、いつも一緒に行動できる誰かがいる方が優れている、ということは決してないです。これはただの価値観や選んでいるライフスタイルの違いでしかない。
こんな私ですがこっそりと打ち明けると、実は「孤独感」を感じていた時期もあります。
ちょうど30代半ばで後半に差し掛かる時期でした。
日本に帰国してやっと好きなライターの仕事に就いたもののアルバイトで、まだフリーになるほどの人脈や実力もない（と当時は思っていた）。
将来を一緒に見たいような「誰か」にも出会わず、恋愛面もいまいちパッとしない…とか、もやもやと…。その直前にあまりにも華やかな恋愛時代を謳歌したので、そのギャップにも苦しんでいました、正直言うと。
（あぁ、私はこのまま一生ひとりかも…！）
その言葉に悲観的な色付けをし、孤独感にずぼずぼと落ちていくような夜も経験しました。
言っておきますが、現代人に擦り込まれた価値観は恐ろしいもので、女性が子供を産む可能性が顕著に下り坂になる30代後半への入口って、その落ち方たるや20代の比じゃないですよ（女性って大変よね）。
そのときは毎日会社で賑やかに仕事をしたり、休みの日には遊びまわったりしていたのに、それでもまさに「底知れぬ」感情が湧き上がって仕方なかったのです。
そのさらに数年後に、やっと私はフリーライターになりました。
おかげで人と接する機会がうんと減りました、というか、ほぼ皆無になりました。
主に取材先の担当さんや、クライアントさん（出版社や広告代理店）、そしてカメラマンさんと単発か不定期に会うくらいです。
さらに同時期に、私の中で大きな変化があり、それを反映するかのように今までの交友関係が見事に、スッキリと清算されていくのを目の当たりにしていました。
「浅く広く」より「狭く深い」関係を大切にしていたので、それほど多くないとはいえ、アラフォーともなると生きてきた年月分の交友関係が、ぶ厚い層のように存在しているものです。
さて仕事でも人と会わない、ひとり暮らしなのでプライベートでも人と会わない日々。
今までは、社交性のある世界の中で選んで過ごしていた「ひとり時間」ですが、いよいよ物理的に孤独な環境になりました。
…ところが、ですよ！
フリーライターとなった私は、なりたかった自分を生き始めたことで、ますます自分との繋がりを強くしたのか、孤独感という感情をまるですっかり手放してしまったような清々しさを手に入れたのです。
なぜあれほど「永遠のおひとりさま人生」が恐怖にすら感じたのか…。
今となってはこう思います。あの時の感覚はきっと、（ひとりぼっちで生きていくことが怖い）ではなかったのです。
つまり（自分の中のベストを生きていない！）というサインであり警告だったのです。
旅ライフを送っていたときも、がっつりと自分の望みを生きていたのでもちろん孤独感はありませんでした。
自分の本質と離れた場所で生きているとき、軸からずれているときに姿を見せた違和感、に過ぎなかったのだと…。
孤独感とお友達だったあの頃は、会社のあり方に色々と思うところがあり、仕事自体は好きだったけれど（ここは居場所じゃない）と心の中では思っていましたから。
そんな風に違和感やサインを受け取り、軸を整えていくことで、やっと今のスタイルのスタート地点に立てました。今では孤独感とはすっかり無縁な日々を送っています。
しかも！「ずれ」を戻してぶれない自分であることで、人間関係までうまくいくのですよね、結局。
それは欠乏感や期待から人と接さないからです。
「あなたはそうなのね、でも私はこうするね」と、ちゃんと相手も認めた上で自分の意思も表現する。自分も相手も周りも気持ちがいい、そんな関係を生み出すこともできるのです。
ひとりでも誰かと一緒でもグループでも、自分らしく。それってとても豊かな生き方だと思いませんか。
私はそんな風にこの日々を、楽しみ尽くしたいと思うのです。またモヤッと「ずれ」が出現したら、その都度丁寧に整えながら、ね。
文：mia
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